I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
