all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize