I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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