Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
