Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
