He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
