I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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