at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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