u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
