I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Pants are for mortals
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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