My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
