She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
