life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
