I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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