oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
