I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
