It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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