drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
