I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
