Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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