Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I want to make a zoo with you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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