Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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