perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
