I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
