I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
