so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
