worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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