If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
ttyl tear gas
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
