Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
