You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
