You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I have post one night stand depression
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