apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We talked him into tasing himself.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
