Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
