I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize