he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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