i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
