In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If that was your dad, he is hot
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
