he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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