Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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