youre lurking in front of me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
