My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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