next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
