Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
