I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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