If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
