I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dear god my vagina.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
