I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
