I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
