Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
