The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up under a house in Key West
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
