Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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