I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
