He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize