Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
