Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
