Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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