All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
