Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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