I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
