god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
