textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
