The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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