what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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