Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
