omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
