Swine flu. Run for my life!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
