Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
