It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize