I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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