please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
