She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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