I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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