if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
