i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
