i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
