i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
